Christmas is supposed to be a time of warmth, connection, joy, family… at least that’s what the films, adverts, and social media would have us believe. But if you grew up in a family where tension simmered beneath the surface, where emotions were unpredictable, or where you learned to keep the peace rather than express your truth, this time of year can feel anything but comforting.
For many that I work with, the run-up to Christmas brings a familiar mix of dread, guilt, and pressure. You may find yourself slipping back into old roles without even noticing – the peacekeeper, the helper, the one who holds everything together and creates all the magic. This can often feel like a raging internal battle between wanting to show up for others and wanting to protect your own emotional wellbeing.
If this feels like you, you’re not alone – and there’s nothing wrong with you for feeling this way.
Why old patterns feel stronger at Christmas
Even if you’ve done years of personal growth, healing, or therapy, certain environments have the power to pull you back into familiar emotional territory. Not because you’ve failed, but because your nervous system remembers.
When you’re around the people you grew up with, your body recognises the emotional landscape long before your mind does. Old survival responses (people-pleasing, fawning, withdrawing, staying quiet, over-functioning) can reappear because for so long they helped you get through.
Christmas often magnifies this because:
- There are heightened expectations – of harmony, effort, cheerfulness, and togetherness.
- Everyone brings their own stress – financial pressure, fatigue, unresolved family tension.
- You’re stepping back into old roles – even if those roles no longer fit who you are now.
- There’s pressure to maintain tradition – even when it doesn’t feel aligned or safe.
- Your younger self can feel activated – especially if Christmas holds memories of emotional instability, conflict, or feeling unseen.
Understanding this can help you show yourself compassion. You’re not ‘overreacting’ – and you’re not being ‘dramatic’ either.
The tension between expectation and self-preservation
Many of us feel torn at Christmas, wanting to maintain connection with family while also wanting to honour their boundaries and emotional needs.
You might notice thoughts like:
- “I should go — it’s family after all.”
- “I don’t want to let anyone down.”
- “If I say no, they’ll be disappointed.”
- “It’s easier to go and put up with it than deal with the drama.”
- “Maybe I’m the problem for wanting something different.”
These thoughts are incredibly common for those who grew up feeling responsible for other people’s emotions, but…
You are allowed to prioritise your wellbeing.
You are allowed to make different choices.
You are allowed to create safety for yourself.
Small boundaries that make a big difference
It might feel too late – or too big – to make any significant changes to your festive season at this point, but there might be subtle boundaries that you can implement that are quieter, and grounded in self-respect.
Here are a few examples for you to think about…
1. Time Boundaries
Choosing how long you stay rather than feeling trapped for the entire day.“Thank you for inviting me – I can make it for a couple of hours.”
2. Emotional Boundaries
Not engaging in conversations that leave you feeling small, criticised, or responsible for mediating. “I’m going to step outside for a few minutes.”
3. Topic Boundaries
Gently steering away from subjects that feel intrusive or triggering.“I’d prefer not to talk about that – let’s chat about something else.”
4. Responsibility Boundaries
Letting go of the pressure to organise, fix, or smooth over everything.“I’m happy to bring one dish, but I can’t manage everything this year.”
These aren’t selfish, but they are protective.
What to do before and after family events
If you’re committed and there’s no escape, then maybe we need a plan to minimise the impact, and offer yourself some support. That might look like…
Before
- Ground your body (breathing, stretching, pausing).
- Name your needs – ‘I want to feel calm/safe/connected to myself’
- Set your “bare minimum” boundary – the thing you won’t compromise on.
- Have an exit plan if you need it.
After
- Give yourself space to decompress.
- Let the emotions come – even the messy ones.
- Journal what felt hard, and what felt empowering.
- Offer yourself compassion ‘It makes sense that was challenging’.
You’re allowed to create a Christmas that feels nourishing
You get to redefine what the festive season means for you – not based on obligation, or expectation, but based on authenticity. Not based on old roles, but on the woman you’re becoming.
Whether you choose to show up differently, stay a shorter time, or create your own traditions entirely… your needs matter.
And if this season is stirring up old wounds or familiar patterns, therapy can offer a space to explore why they still feel so alive, and how you can gently create a new way of being, both at Christmas and throughout the year.
If you enjoyed this blog, you can check out my other (non-festive!) musings here, and if you’d like to book a free introductory call to see what it would be like for us to work together, you can do that here.
