The exhaustion beneath ‘I’m fine’
You’ve always been the strong one, the one who holds it together, keeps going, gets things done. On the outside, no-one would ever know. You’re capable, calm, unflappable. But inside, you’re running on empty. The smallest thing can leave you holding back tears and you find yourself wondering why you can’t just ‘cope’ like you used to. You’ve spent years being the strong one – for your family, your friends, your colleagues – without realising the emotional, mental, and physical cost.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many of the women I work with have spent years being the strong one for their families, their friends, their workplaces – often without realising the cost to their own wellbeing.
Why you’ve always felt you had to be strong
For many women, being strong isn’t a choice – it’s a survival strategy.
Maybe you learned early on that it wasn’t safe to show vulnerability. Maybe you had to grow up quickly or carry more than your fair share. Or perhaps you absorbed the message that independence equals worth – that asking for help means you’re failing, or shows weakness.
Over time, this creates a base level of exhaustion. You hold everything in, and your body and mind start to whisper that something isn’t right – through anxiety, tension, or burnout.
The hidden cost of never letting yourself rest
When you’re the strong one, it can feel safer to do everything yourself than risk being disappointed or misunderstood. But that constant self-reliance can lead to:
- Feeling emotionally disconnected or numb
- Difficulty relaxing, even when you’re exhausted
- Struggling to identify or express your own needs
- A sense that no one really sees you beneath the capable exterior
Strength without softness eventually becomes armour – and armour gets heavy.
Learning to soften without falling apart
Letting yourself be supported doesn’t mean collapsing or losing control. It means allowing others – and yourself – to meet your needs. It means trusting in other people – in their autonomy, their capability, and their capacity to take responsibility for their own lives, too.
Here are three gentle places to begin:
- Notice when you minimise your needs. Pay attention to moments you say, “It’s fine” or “It’s not a big deal.” What would happen if you paused there and asked what you really need?
- Practise asking for small things. Start with low-stakes moments – asking a friend for company, or saying no to something you don’t have the energy for.
- Allow space for your own feelings. You don’t have to fix or justify them. Simply noticing what’s there is a powerful act of self-care.
Therapy can be a space to finally put the armour down
In therapy, you don’t have to be the strong one. You can exhale. You can let go. You can allow the tears to fall without needing to apologise for them.
Together, we can explore where that need to ‘hold it all together’ came from, and begin to build a new kind of strength. One rooted in self-compassion, emotional honesty, and the safety of being supported rather than self-reliant.
If you’re ready to start exploring what it might feel like to not have to be the strong one all the time, I offer online therapy across the UK and in-person sessions in Ramsbottom, Lancashire. Book a free 15-minute consultation here or get in touch if you’d like to start a conversation.
