‘Myths About Healing (and what I believe instead)’
We’re often told that forgiveness is an essential step of healing – that to truly “move on,” we must let go of anger, make peace with the past, and wish well to those who hurt us.
It sounds noble. It sounds spiritual.
But for many people, it feels impossible – or worse, it feels like another way of silencing their pain.
The Myth: Healing means forgiveness
If you grew up hearing messages like “you’ll feel better if you just forgive,” you’re not alone.
It’s an interesting idea – the notion that peace is something we can achieve through sheer willpower.
But you can’t force peace, and for true healing you can’t (unfortunately) skip the part where you name what happened, where you acknowledge how deeply it hurt, where you allow yourself to feel.
Forgiveness offered too soon can become another kind of self-abandonment – a way of saying “it wasn’t that bad” or “I should be over this by now.”
Also… sometimes you may not want to forgive. And you don’t have to.
The Reality: Healing means reclaiming your power
True healing isn’t about excusing someone else’s behaviour. It’s about releasing the hold it still has on you. Sometimes, that release doesn’t look like forgiveness, it looks like boundaries. It looks like distance. It looks like choosing you.
You can find peace without ever saying “I forgive you.” You can heal without reconciling, without minimising, without rushing your process.
In fact, for many trauma survivors, trying to forgive before safety is restored can feel like being re-wounded. The nervous system needs to know that what happened is over – that you are now safe, that you have agency and voice. Only then can release (in whatever form it takes) come naturally.
What Healing Really Looks Like
Healing is messy, cyclical, and deeply human. Some days you’ll feel acceptance; other days you’ll feel rage or grief. None of that means you’re doing it wrong.
It means you’re honouring the truth of your experience. It means you’re building trust with yourself – that you won’t abandon your own pain just to make others comfortable.
And over time, that’s what brings peace. Not the forced forgiveness. Not the spiritual bypass.
But the quiet strength of knowing: I don’t have to forgive to be free.
If This Resonates…
If you’ve felt pressured to “move on” before you were ready, you’re not broken or bitter – you’re human. Therapy can offer the safety and support to move through your pain at your own pace, not past it. To explore what this could look ilke, book your free intro call here, or drop me an email.
