There’s a phrase you’ve probably heard a thousand times: “You need to love yourself before anyone else can.”
It floats around social media like truth. It’s printed on self-help mugs and shared as relationship advice. It sounds empowering on the surface – like a rallying cry to prioritise your inner world.
But if you’ve ever struggled with trauma, low self-worth, people-pleasing, perfectionism, or a lifetime of feeling “not enough,” this phrase can land like a punch in the stomach.
Because what it really sounds like is:
“Until you’ve fixed yourself, you’re not worthy of love.”
“You’re the reason your relationships aren’t working.”
“Sort yourself out, then maybe you’ll deserve care.”
It turns something as human as connection into a test you must pass.
And that’s not how healing works.
It’s not how love works.
It’s not how humans work.
The Myth: You must love yourself before you can be loved
People often repeat this phrase with kindness in mind. They want you to feel empowered, to stop searching for validation outside yourself, to build an inner foundation.
But self-love doesn’t magically blossom in isolation. You cannot shame or pressure yourself into feeling worthy. And you certainly cannot heal relational wounds entirely on your own.
If you’ve grown up feeling criticised, unseen, burdened with expectations, or conditioned to keep the peace at the expense of your own needs, self-love doesn’t start with a mirror affirmation.
It starts in relationship.
The kind of relationship where you are met with gentleness. Where you are believed. Where you are allowed to take up space. Where your “too much” or “not enough” finally softens because someone reflects a version of you that isn’t defined by survival.
You don’t need to have mastered self-love to be loved by others.
The Reality: We learn self-worth through connection
Humans are wired for relational healing. Our nervous systems soothe through co-regulation: a calm voice, a steady presence, a safe relationship, someone who stays.
This isn’t weakness. It’s biology. It’s how children develop a sense of self and it’s how adults rediscover it.
Healthy connection literally reshapes the pathways that once held shame, fear, or vigilance.
Every time someone hears you ( I mean really hears you) a tiny repair happens. Every time you’re accepted without needing to perform, something inside you breathes out. Every time you’re held with compassion, the old belief that you must earn love loosens its grip.
This is why relationships during healing matter so much – including the therapeutic one.
Because you can’t build self-worth from the same isolation that wounded it. You build it from being met differently than before.
What Healing Really Looks Like
Healing isn’t about reaching a point where you feel full of glowing, unwavering self-love at all times. That’s not human, that’s branding.
The real thing is quieter. Softer. More real.
It looks like:
• Feeling safe enough to speak your truth
• Saying no without guilt
• Trusting your own instincts
• Letting yourself rest without proving your worth first
• Laughing easily again
• Feeling comfortable in your own company
• Being loved while you’re still healing – not having to wait until after
It’s not a transformation into a perfectly self-loving version of yourself, it’s a return to a steadier relationship with who you are.
And yes, relationships help with that. The right relationships – the nourishing ones, the ones that don’t demand perfection, the ones that mirror back your humanity, not your wounds.
Therapy can be one of those relationships. It offers a space free of performance, pressure, or proving. A place where you can gently dismantle the belief that you must earn love through self-sacrifice or self-abandonment. A place where love doesn’t arrive as a reward – but as a reflection of your inherent worth.
You don’t have to love yourself first to be loved
You just need to be open to the possibility that love can reach you even while you’re imperfect, insecure, or still healing. Because love is not a prize. Worth is not conditional. Connection is not delayed until you feel “enough.”
Sometimes, being loved is how you learn to love yourself.
If this resonates…
If you’ve ever believed you had to fix yourself before you deserved love, please know that belief isn’t yours. It came from somewhere outside of you: culture, childhood, relationships, survival. And it can be unlearned.
Therapy can help you discover your worth not as a performance, but as a homecoming. A soft return. A relearning of what you’ve always deserved.
Love doesn’t wait. And you don’t have to either.
Get in touch to book a free introductory call here, or check back through my previous blogs here if you’re still curious.
