One of the things I hear most often when a woman first gets in touch with me is some version of “my brain never stops.”
She’s lying awake going back over the day, thinking about what needs doing tomorrow, and running through everything that could go wrong so she’s ready if it does. She’s tired, and often a bit frustrated with herself, because she knows most of it doesn’t really need worrying about. She just can’t seem to switch it off.
If that sounds familiar, I want you to know it makes sense. There’s usually a reason your mind works like this.
Why your mind keeps going
A busy, worrying, anxious mind is very often a mind that’s trying to keep you safe.
If you grew up needing to keep an eye on how other people were feeling, or something difficult happened that you didn’t see coming, your mind may have learned that thinking ahead was the safest thing to do. If you can picture what might go wrong, you can prepare for it, or stop it happening at all.
That way of coping can work really well for a long time. It’s often what makes you the organised one, the one who remembers everything and has a plan. But a mind that’s always looking for the next problem never really gets to rest.
Why it’s often worse at night
During the day you’re busy, and there’s plenty to hold your attention. When everything goes still, the thoughts you’ve been carrying all day have room to come to the surface.
It’s also why rest can feel strangely uncomfortable. For a lot of women, slowing down feels less safe than keeping going.
Why telling yourself to stop doesn’t work
Most of the women I work with have tried reasoning with their thoughts. They know the worry is out of proportion, and they still can’t let it go.
That’s because this isn’t only happening in your thoughts, it’s deeper than that – it’s held in your body and your nervous system. They’re on alert, and your mind is doing what it learned to do when that happens, so the work is less about stopping the thoughts, and more about helping your nervous system feel safe enough to let its guard down.
Small things can help in the moment. Writing tomorrow’s list down before bed, so your head isn’t the only place holding it. Noticing your breath, and letting the out-breath be a little longer than the in-breath. These can soften the edges of an evening, but if your mind has worked this way for years, it usually needs more than a technique to settle. And if you’re barely sleeping, it’s worth speaking to your GP too.
How therapy can help
When you’ve lived like this for a long time, it makes sense to feel exhausted, and a bit lost.
In therapy we can slow things down together and get curious about what your mind is trying to protect you from, and where that started. Having the space to understand it, and to feel what’s underneath, can help your mind not have to work quite so hard.
You don’t need to wait until things feel bad enough. Being tired of a brain that never stops is reason enough to reach out.
I’m Lucy, an integrative psychotherapist. I work with women with anxiety, and with the experiences that shaped it, in person in Ramsbottom, near Bury and Rossendale, and online across the UK. It starts with a free initial conversation, and you can book yours here: www.calendly.com/lucyreynolds
Lucy Reynolds is a qualified integrative psychotherapist (BSc Hons, MBACP) based in Ramsbottom, Lancashire. She works with women navigating anxiety, people-pleasing and the exhaustion of holding everything together, in person and online across the UK. Find out more about working with Lucy.
